thick, black curls surround my crown and causes a depression against the stark white contrast of the cloud. we rise and hunt for calamari soaked in garlic and lemons and wrinkle our noses as the garlic dances on our tongues. i want to run away and never go home and stay on this cloud because it’s the only way i’ll stay alive- the only way i can breathe. to feel. we tickle our noses and lashes kiss my cheeks and all i can think is, “if only i can pause this moment, trap it under glass and make it last forever…” i don’t ever want to fall asleep ever again. this is where i belong: dancing, loving, feeling, kissing, drowning, breathing, tingles down my spine, and the frustration of it not being my life makes me so very sad.

i get dressed, braid my hair and perch my heart-shaped sunglasses on the bridge of my nose. i can’t bring myself to wake up.

10.16.08 full moon kisses. soft calf leather. hot bitches. gold, silky, blooms. [pris, caro, black suv, eddie, jesse]

10.27.08 let’s take it slow/you swept me away/maybe you can rescue me/take me away/the wishing tree, its got dreams for you and plans for me/stay by my side and dream with me.

10.31.08 im’ standing by the train tracks and each car flies by before i even have a chance to catch it.

11.20.08 if love is an illusion…

11.30.08 in eternal life…we are not really living… we just exist. time has no meaning.

12.09.08 the overwhelming emptiness and severity of that open land [re: rolling foothills of sonora just north of oakdale, 6:42am, gold light rays, grazing cows, curious, peeking mountain tops]

12.21.08 forget everything you thought you knew about life because when it happens, none of the rules apply//you can’t apply logic to anything meaningful.

It’s 6pm, tuesday. My ears are on fire and i’m giddy. I’m uncomfortable because I haven’t been here in so long. I push my stool back and stand up. Let’s go over in that corner and lean. Lead? What? Lean? Okay. Blood rushes to my head and my hands won’t stop shaking. Am I the only person here that feels out of place? Why is everyone staring at me? Stop, I make a joke and ask Brandon for a sip of tortilla soup – without the avocado.

Carolyn is smiling and laughing and she’s beautiful. I grab my margarita and pretend to dump it in his lap but I trip and end up spilling it all over myself and the table. Carolyn points at my ridiculous mess and says, “LOLZ”. Get up and stumble. I’m listening to music and laying on the couch and my heart beats with the bass. I walk to the mirror and pull my hair out of the bun. It cascades down my shoulders. I really need a cut. I lay back on the couch and close my eyes. I hear Carolyn and Brandon talking and the layers of music in the background. I slowly drift…

I wake up and see him and it pains me because I hate waking up because it means he’s leaving soon and I won’t see him and all I want is to fall back asleep and ignore the time and go back to a place of not this – anywhere but here. Tears are streaming down my face and I can’t control myself or my feelings or the heavy pounding of my heart.  I gain my composure and take a deep breath and wipe away the tears. I tell myself I can be strong for one more day but it’s so hard. I’m secretly falling apart.

Lost is on tonight and I haven’t seen in months but all my friends are watching it and I can’t help but join in the laughter. Even chichi has joined our festivities and I joke and laugh with everyone and smile. And I haven’t been myself lately. There are brief fleeting moments when i’m myself but that’s okay because tomorrow is another day and i’ll lay in bed until I fall asleep and my pillow will be sogged but that’s okay because it’ll dry soon but I always wonder when this pain will subside.

I found religion yesterday in CauseBay, Hong Kong.

For the first time since i’ve arrived in Hong Kong, I had some free time to myself, previously, I had been too tired to even lift a eyelid after walking miles all over Hong Kong in search of the perfect fabric for Spring. Then there was the day I felt sick and had to travel to China to a seemingly small industrious city where the factories are located – to my dismay, DongGuan boasts a population of 12 million people. Shit. I forgot how huge the population in China is.

Anyway, I finally felt like I could actually stay awake past 8pm last night so I walked out of my comfortably air-conditioned hotel room to a bustling, loud and wet city of Hong Kong. I have been reading EVERYWHERe about this so-called fabulous wonton noodle shop in Hong Kong that has food connessiurs from all over the world raving. Those who know me well know that I absolutely LOVE authentic, Hong Kong-style wonton noodle soup and that I crave it like a heroin addict craves another high. Perhaps it was destiny that my hotel was located just half a block from this ‘famous’ noodle shop. So I left, stepped outside and was immediate pushed by, oh maybe 12 people stampeding down the street. Okay, i’m exaggerating but shit there are a lot of fucking people out on such a cramped sidewalk.

I find Mak’s Noodle Ltd, but i’m drawn by all the lights and people and cars and talking and laughing. I ask when they close. Midnight. Perfect, i’ll walk around and come back. I walk slowly and take everything in. The sites, the people, their conversations, their clothes . I am absolutely spell-bound by the amount of people walking up a single sidewalk on a Wednesday night at 10pm. People are staring at me but it’s probably because my shirt is kind of too low-cut for their tastes, the sleaze-ball men start yapping at my face in Japanese because apparently, EVERY SINGLE person i’ve encountered in Hong Kong thinks i’m Japanese and find it hard to believe that i’m actually Chinese, but I let it slide because i’m in a good mood and I might be in a better mood if it wasn’t so fucking humid outside. I grab the air and I swear I can feel the wetness in the air, it’s okay, it’s kind of nice. I keep walking by stores and I linger in the doorways of the ones that have air-conditioning blasting and it feels so good…

I’m lost in Hong Kong, literally. But I do’nt really mind because it’s nice to walk and that’s a funny thought because I throw fits if I have to walk a block in Los Angeles but i’m in a different city and in a different country and my likes and dislikes change accordingly. Actually, I think that is what makes human beings survivors – it is our ability to adapt. So, anyway, I walked probably about 5-6 miles today and my feet are kind of hurting and my purse is making a indentation in my shoulder but like I said, it’s nice so I don’t mind. And I don’t mind that i’m lost because there are literally 100 people to my left and 100 people to my right and when i’m ready, I can ask anyone directions.

Without any guidance, I find my way back to Mak’s Noodle Ltd., and I ordered a wonton noodle. I pour 3 tablespoons of red vinegar before I even taste it because that’s the way I like my wonton noodles. I try to wait for it to cool down because I don’t like the way hot soup burns my tongue. But I can’t. I take a bite and i’m IN HEAVEN. I felt like my mouth was singing hallelujah over and over and over. The next thing I know, my bowl is empty and pushed aside and there is another bowl in front of me. And then another. I ate three bowls of wonton noodles before I realized that if I take another bite, I will purge.

So, like my subject says, I found my religion in CauseWay Bay in HongKong at Mak’s Noodle Ltd. I will pray until I return in July to savor that taste once again.

The humidity was not so bad today as I walked towards Pier 4. Perhaps it’s finally cooled down or perhaps it’s time that i’ve finally become accustomed to the weather. One ticket please. The itchy machine developed material that the seats are upholstered in on the ferry are irritating my skin and the choppy waves in the harbor are rocking the boat so hard that I close my eyes in an effort to maintain a sense of balance. Low voices are mumbling as conversations flow through one ear and out the other. Forty minutes later we’re docked at Lantau Island. It’s not so overcast here, in fact, there is not a single cloud in sight and the sun is beating down on me and I feel like i’m suffocating again. Humidity has that effect on me. I ask a European couple who seem to be residents of this island, Hi – which is a good beach to go to? They direct me to a hike trail that leads to a beach on the other side of the island. Be careful, it’s a good two-hour hike, but the beach is much more beautiful. I gingerly started making my way through this lush, tropical island. It was seemingly cooler as I made my way partially because the palm trees were looming up above and I was distracted by the intense greenery. Tiny beads are forming on my face but I don’t wipe them away because this humidity is good for my skin and my allergies and I haven’t had the sniffles since I left the States a week ago.

At last, I see expansive blue skies and a stretch of white sand. Junkets and boats dot the blue stretch and i’m feeling a sense of relief and accomplishment. Off in the distance is a small pagoda atop a mountain and i’m coming up to Stoupes – a South African BBQ restaurant. I strip off my clothes as I reach the sand and kick off my Marc Jacobs – damn, I shouldn’t have worn those, I completely ruined them. I step into the sand and it’s so hot so I quickly put my shoes back on. The water is warm but it’s better than standing in the hot sun and I go farther and deeper. My soles ache because the blistering sand has burned them. Cold currents wash upon me and it feels so good.

I get a table for one and sit in the shade, relishing in the thought that the sun isn’t beating down on me. The ocean breeze is warm but it’s better than nothing. The restaurant is croweded with Brits and I take everything in. I order a Mixed BBQ Plate: steak, chicken, sausage & lamb, eggplant and tomato flavored rice and tahini sauce. I eat like I haven’t eaten in days because my tastebuds welcome the different flavors. YUM.

he tweaked and tightened and screwed and i feel the electricity.

it felt like life and my body felt like orange, trent reznor’s voice, stubble on my mouth, feathers in my hair, peonies in full bloom, melted black candle wax, butterfly wings

the leaves crunch like chips as i made my way through the trees. lulu angel is following her noise and instinct 10 steps ahead of me and the clouds above are threatening to drench the earth below. wendy witch and griffin are trailing behind me and i’m lost. if i want to find my way, find the trail, if i want to find myself, i realized that i have to explore my forest alone. i need to grow grow grow in a cocoon of sad, dark loneliness so that when i finally wake up, i can find my way. in the meantime, i can spend all my days singing and writing poetry and sharing my dreams with lulu angel, griffin, and wendy witch and j-forever and miss lily 

on my way, i bumped into chance and fell on the sandy beach and we talked and talked into the night as the ocean tickled our toes and tried to get our attention. i had forgotten what it was like to connect and inhale and feel it all the way through my body to my very core. i didn’t ever want to fall asleep again. i think to myself, maybe he will come with me and explore caves and make art and dance around a fire and discover all the beautiful and fragile things i have yet to discover and drive to mexico and paint surfboards and stand in doorways with shells that jingle when you walk through. 

i don’t want to be inside anymore because you can’t smell fresh oranges or life. i want to question everything and wonder about everything. i want to bake cookies at 2am with messy hair and kissing. i want you to touch me and electrocute me, i want a best friend i can kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss…

i’m giddy and giggling and i think i burned 800 calories from laughing from deep within my belly. and even more so when i check sigalert and the 405 is solid red but i don’t care because i’m going to keep driving to the sun even though she’s barely here anymore then sebastian comes on and starts singing and miss lilly squeals and jumps and laughs and her eyes glitter so much that i’m squinting for fear that i might be blinded. we sing about seaweed and prince charmings and colors of the wind and books in high voices and deep voices and the windows are rolled down and the palm trees whisper sweet nothings in our ears and plays with our hair and there is sometimes, like tonight, there is nothing better than losing all control.